"My words in her mind: cold polished stones sinking through a quagmire."

-James Joyce


Friday, February 25, 2011

My Advice to Young Wives

After a long talk with my friend Monique last night, I decided it was time to get writing again.  You see, she thinks I'm brillant, a genious really.  Ha!  After more than an hour on the phone giving her advice about marriage (my husband gets really nervous when I do that), she said, "You should be writing this stuff down." What she doesn't realize is that I'm not really all that smart, I have just been married longer than she has.  But it did get me thinking.  What do I wish someone had explained to me as a young married woman?  Had I known it then, what information or insight could have saved me a lot of trouble, heartache, inconvenience, etc.?  Whew, that could fill a book!  However,  I think for now maybe I'll just start with one little idea at a time.

Recently I had an epiphany about men.  One of many, really.  This epiphany came when I was thinking about two different ideas and they came together and gave me this "aha!" moment that explained a lot. 

As I was talking to the above mentioned friend (sounding oh-so-wise), I was thinking about when I was young and first married (age 20 - yikes!) and remembered how unsure of myself I was in comparison to my (also young) husband.  As young as he was, though, my husband always seemed very sure of himself.  Now, even though he was/is four years older than me, I can say with absolute certainty that at that time I was the more mature of the two of us (sorry honey, but we both know it's the truth).  Even so, he never seemed to question himself on anything.  And because he seemed so confident about his opinions, I assumed that they must be grounded in knowledge and experience, so I often conceded to him when we disagreed.  Sometimes this resulted in me going along with things that went against my better judgement.  And more than a few times it led to situations that caused me a great deal of inconvenience, stress and more than a little irritation. 

What I couldn't figure out, though, was how he could be so sure of himself.  Obviously, based on the outcome, he didn't have any idea what he was talking about.  And when I questioned him about it later he was very open in admitting to that fact.  He would shrug as if it was no big deal, and a couple of times he even asked me why I had agreed with him if I wanted to do things differently.  Aaargh!  I tried to explain to him that I had agreed with him because he seemed so sure that he was right, and that normal people don't profess to be right about something unless they have at least some legitimate proof to back it up.  Most normal people don't throw out an opinion about something that they have no clue about.

What I didn't realize was that in order to make that statement true, I needed to change it just a bit.  What I should have said, if I were to be more accurate, if I had known better at the time, was that normal women don't throw out an opinion about something that they have no clue about. 

A long time ago I read about a study done regarding academic performance and gender.  The researchers found out something interesting about boys and girls.  It seemed that the boys were getting more attention from the teachers than the girls.  When they looked into why, they found that it was because boys raise their hands more quickly and more often than girls.  It wasn't because the boys knew the answers better or faster than the girls.  In fact, most of the boys didn't even know the answer when they shot their hands up in the air - they were just trying to be the first one with their hand up.  The girls, on the other hand, generally would only raise their hands if they were fairly sure of the answer. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Well, what I realized is that men, as highly competitive creatures, will throw their hand up in the air and say "I know the answer!" whether they really know the answer or not.  In fact, it doesn't matter if they actually have any correct information at all, it just matters that they display confidence.  While this behavior may seem to us women to stem from some sort of arrogance or ego, it doesn't.  It stems from the very real, deeply ingrained male drive to protect and provide for the people they love.  Men need to appear confident and strong, particularly to their wives.  In their minds, what woman wants a man who is weak, wishy-washy and unsure of himself?  And let's be honest ladies, they're right.

So here's the wrap up.  It may seem to you that your husband always thinks he's right, and that he never listens to your opinion.  But that's not the case.  In fact, when he asserts his opinion as if he is the expert(even when you suspect that he doesn't have a clue) what he's doing is showing you that you can depend on him.  When you look at it that way, it's actually kind of sweet.  Does that mean you have to agree with and go along with everything he says?  No way!  You just have to kindly but firmly assert yourself so that he knows you are serious (no hysterics, anger or tears).  He doesn't actually expect you to do everything he says, or do everything the way he thinks it should be done.  He just wants you to know up front that he will take care of things if you need him to.  It can actually be a great relief to him when you say, "no, I think this is the best way to do it, and that is what I'm going to do." 

 One of the things that surprised me when I finally started doing this, was that my husband didn't get mad, pout or feel threatened that I didn't agree with him.  Once he knew I was serious, and that he wasn't in charge of the decision any more, he reacted the same way he does about pretty much everything.  He shrugged his shoulders, said, "okay", looked for something to eat, and went back to watching the game.  I suspect your husband will do the same.